If They Want to Go, Let Them

If They Want to Go, Let Them: Boundaries, Self-Trust & the Power of Letting Go

The Invisible Cost of Holding On

Some of the greatest emotional pain doesn’t come from loss itself - but from the energy we spend trying to prevent it.

We hold on tightly: to relationships, to jobs, to clients, to the identities we’ve built. We over-give, over-manage, and sometimes lose ourselves trying to maintain a sense of control over how others see or treat us. We stay in situations far past their expiry date, hoping that if we try harder, things will change.

This is often born of care - but it becomes a pattern of self-abandonment.

We become the peacekeeper, the fixer, the one holding it all together. Until we can’t.

And that’s the moment many people come to coaching - depleted, confused, and unsure why something that once worked now feels unsustainable.

The Truth About Control

At the heart of this pattern lies a very human illusion: that we can control how others feel, think, behave, or respond to us. That we can keep things from falling apart by trying harder.

But the truth is: we only ever have control over one thing - ourselves. Our responses. Our choices. Our energy.

And that’s not a small thing.

The moment we stop trying to change or manage others, and start showing up more truthfully for ourselves, something shifts. There’s a reclaiming of energy that’s been tied up in worry, resentment, or over-efforting. That energy becomes available again - for our choices, our dreams, our forward momentum.

As I often say to clients: Worrying is just praying for something you don’t want to happen.

Personal Lessons in Letting Go

I’ve lived this pattern, too.

In the past, I stayed in romantic relationships longer than I should have - convincing myself that more effort on my part might lead to change. That if I could just communicate better, hold on tighter, or be more understanding, things would improve. They didn’t. Because the person I was trying to reach wasn’t ready to meet me there.

I’ve also carried this tendency into my work - both as a coach and as a Craniosacral Therapist. There are times I’ve caught myself pushing subtly for a shift in a client, wishing for their breakthrough before they’re ready. And every time, I have to ask: Is this about them - or about something in me that feels the need to "fix"?

Letting go has shown up in bigger ways too. Letting go of my previous career as an opera singer, for instance. Even though I knew in my heart it wasn’t right anymore, there was grief. It had been a vocation, a source of identity, something that impressed people at dinner parties. But in releasing it, I reclaimed the energy I’d been spending staying unhappy - and could use that to build something more aligned.

Getting Curious, Not Controlling

Letting go doesn’t mean becoming passive, or disengaged. It means becoming intentional.

It asks us to get curious rather than controlling. What’s actually mine to hold? What belief is underneath this dynamic? Is it really true? Is it serving me?

In coaching, we explore the voices at play. Often there’s an unmet need behind the behaviour - a part of you that wants safety, connection, or validation. But when you meet that part from your wisest self - the part that knows your worth and can hold compassion - things change.

This is also where tools come in:

• Boundary setting (What’s okay for me? What’s not?)
• Naming resentment (Where am I over-giving?)
• Values-based decisions (What truly matters to me?)
• Creating space between emotion and reaction

The aim isn’t to cut people out coldly, but to come back to a grounded truth: You’re allowed to choose peace. You’re allowed to be fully yourself, even if others don’t understand it.

What Comes After Letting Go

For many clients, letting go feels terrifying at first. But what often follows is a lightness. A sense of self-respect. The internal chatter calms. New energy floods in. I’ve had clients describe it as "a rush of power back to my core."

That reclaimed energy becomes fuel - not just for healing, but for dreaming again. Clients start to hear their own voice more clearly. Their values crystallise. They realise their life’s direction is already whispering to them beneath all the noise.

There’s also something spiritual in this process. From my Buddhist perspective, we are never separate from awareness. That deeper part of us - the observer, the inner leader - is always available. It offers clarity, wisdom, compassion. And when we reconnect with it, life becomes less about clinging, and more about flowing.

Letting go, then, isn’t the end of something. It’s the return to self.

A Final Thought

If you’re reading this and it resonates, maybe this is your invitation to pause.

To notice where your energy is going. To ask: Is this still serving me? Is there something I’m holding onto that’s holding me back?

Letting go isn’t easy. But it’s often the first step toward a life that feels more honest, more easeful, and more yours.